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  Text originally published in 1960 under the same title.

  © Muriwai Books 2017, all rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted by any means, electrical, mechanical or otherwise without the written permission of the copyright holder.

  Publisher’s Note

  Although in most cases we have retained the Author’s original spelling and grammar to authentically reproduce the work of the Author and the original intent of such material, some additional notes and clarifications have been added for the modern reader’s benefit.

  We have also made every effort to include all maps and illustrations of the original edition the limitations of formatting do not allow of including larger maps, we will upload as many of these maps as possible.

  A CROOKED SIXPENCE

  by

  MURRAY SAYLE

  ©1961

  TABLE OF CONTENTS

  Contents

  TABLE OF CONTENTS 3

  AUTHOR’S NOTE 4

  I 5

  II 9

  III 11

  IV 16

  V 22

  VI 25

  VII 31

  VIII 37

  IX 45

  X 58

  XI 66

  XII 73

  XIII 79

  XIV 91

  XV 102

  XVI 113

  XVII 120

  XVIII 132

  XIX 142

  XX 147

  XXI 159

  XXII 165

  XXIV 191

  REQUEST FROM THE PUBLISHER 201

  AUTHOR’S NOTE

  All of the characters in this book are fictitious, and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

  There was a crooked man

  And he walked a crooked mile.

  He found a crooked sixpence,

  It wasn’t enough.

  I

  JAMES O’TOOLE looked around the public bar of the Earl of St. Albans, which is in Russell Square. He found he didn’t know anyone. He wasn’t surprised. He had never been in that pub before, and he had not yet been a week in London.

  One of the drinkers looked like his mother’s favourite milkman in Sydney; as far as his face went, anyway. The body and clothes were out of an English movie.

  The bottles behind the bar had strange labels: the handles of the beer pumps, three in a row like a wicket, were new to O’Toole. So was sitting down to drink. The beer tasted weak and flat. Altogether, the place was a let-down.

  Jennifer came in wearing a tweed suit he’d never seen before, with a velvet collar. She still walked like a duck. O’Toole tried to concentrate on this feature but it didn’t work.

  ‘Hello, James.’ Nervously, neatly, like a doll that blinks and says ‘Mama’, she lit a cigarette. The case was pigskin, the lighter was covered in pigskin, and the pigs matched. Both were new. So, come to think of it, was smoking. Doll growing up.

  ‘Hello, Jenny,’ said O’Toole. ‘I’ve never been in this place before but I didn’t know where else to meet you. I just live round the corner.’

  ‘Oh, I don’t mind,’ said the girl. ‘How are you getting along? Have you started on the big book yet?’

  ‘Not yet,’ said O’Toole. ‘I have some emotional problems to sort out first. May I get you a drink?’

  ‘Only if you promise not to make a scene, James. Honestly, I can’t take any more.’

  ‘What would you like, apart from a quiet life? As I remember you’re not a beer girl.’

  ‘Oh, you pick something. Anything will do.’

  O’Toole went over to the bar and studied the bottles. The bartender came up.

  ‘Sir?’

  ‘Could I have another of these beers, please.’

  ‘A light ale.’

  ‘Is it? And could I have one of those little bottles of champagne, isn’t it?’

  ‘Champagne Perry.’

  ‘That’ll be fine.’

  The waiter took some silver paper off the dwarf bottle and poured the contents, bubbling, into a long-stemmed glass. O’Toole took it and his beer back to the table.

  ‘Champagne,’ said O’Toole. ‘For a special occasion. It comes in a funny little bottle and the bartender has an extraordinary way of pronouncing Perrier. Or maybe I have. Anyway, here’s luck.’

  The girl smiled doubtfully and took a sip. O’Toole looked at her wrist. She was wearing some kind of gold thing.

  ‘It’s not a present,’ said the girl, defensively. ‘Honest, it isn’t.’

  ‘Of course not,’ said O’Toole. ‘You’re in the money now.’

  The girl was near tears. ‘I shouldn’t have come.’

  ‘Please,’ said O’Toole. ‘Please don’t cry. I’m trying to work up a bluff, fatherly manner. Help me a bit.’

  ‘I’ve cried in every public place in Sydney,’ said the girl. ‘I can’t cry any more. I don’t know how anyone with such kind eyes could be so cruel.’

  ‘Never mind the eyes,’ said O’Toole harshly. ‘I’m sorry if I’m being cruel. It’s just the struggles of a wounded elephant.’

  ‘I shouldn’t have come. It’s all over, you know that. I can’t see what good this is doing, torturing each other.’

  ‘I know it’s over. I’ve got nothing more to say. I’m just trying to be a loyal, true friend. Of course, I can see your point of view. What the hell do you want a loyal true friend for? Anyway, I don’t suppose I would pick you for a friend, either, if we’d been in the Navy together or something.’

  The girl smiled through tears.

  ‘There’s a good girl,’ said O’Toole. ‘Drink up.’

  She took another sip.

  ‘What’s this supposed to be?’

  ‘Champagne.’

  O’Toole took the glass and tried a sip himself. It tasted like bad apples. ‘Just a minute,’ said O’Toole. He carried the glass back to the bar.

  ‘Something the matter, sir?’ asked the barman.

  ‘There’s something wrong with this.’

  The barman took a sip. ‘Perfectly all right, sir.’

  ‘What’s it supposed to be?’

  ‘Perry. Made out of pears. A lot of people like it with gin.’

  ‘Oh.’

  O’Toole went back to the girl.

  ‘I’m terribly sorry, it’s not champagne, it’s some local rotgut made out of pears, I think he said.’

  ‘Oh, it doesn’t matter, James. I don’t feel like drinking anything, anyway.’

  ‘I’m sorry.’

  ‘Don’t harp on it, please.’

  ‘I can’t seem to open my mouth without annoying you.’

  ‘Oh, it’s not you, James, it’s the way I feel. Restless. You’re just the same as ever, I suppose. Don’t worry about finding another girl. Heaven knows, I thought you were attractive enough.’

  ‘Did you? I know it doesn’t do any good to point out that I’m not looking for another girl. I’ve just got to write a new set of ambitions, that’s all. I’ve been thumbing through my present set and they all seem to have a part for you in them.’

  ‘Please don’t torment me, James,’ pleaded the girl. ‘I know I’m probably letting a good man go. I just have to, that’s all. It isn’t there anymore.’ She lit another cigarette. ‘Do you need any money?’

  ‘Oh no,’ said O’Toole. ‘Don’t try and squeeze the boot on the other foot. I’d rather hop.’ O’Toole smirked bitterly.

  ‘That’s the trouble with you, James, you’re too damn cleve
r,’ said the girl. ‘No feelings, just these cheap wisecracks all the time. I’m worn out. I can’t listen anymore.’

  ‘You may be right,’ said O’Toole humbly. ‘I seem to have feelings, just like anyone else: you know, hate, jealousy, remorse, all that stuff. But I’ve got to admit they’re a lot more real to me if I can tie them up in a neat phrase. Perhaps all that ever happens to me is just something I read somewhere.’

  ‘I can’t sit here and listen to you parade your egomania any longer,’ said the girl. Her lip was trembling.

  ‘I’m sorry,’ said O’Toole. ‘Again. I’m really working very hard on the dignity angle. I’m not going to be the last to leave. The host doesn’t have to put his pyjamas on.’

  ‘I’ll really have to go now,’ said the girl, ‘I think it would be much better if we didn’t have any more of these ghastly farewells. I don’t want to see you for a while.’

  ‘It’s hard to believe,’ said O’Toole. ‘We’ll be strangers the next time. If there is...’

  ‘Oh, I’ll be seeing you around.’

  ‘Well, this is it. Goodbye.’

  ‘Goodbye.’

  She almost ran out. Her drink was intact, like a bird-bath. O’Toole drank it, shuddering at the overripe taste. Then after a decent interval he walked slowly out of the bar, not following her.

  The thing to do, thought O’Toole, is to concentrate on practical matters. Like what the hell do I do now.

  There was a little low-lying mist, through which sly cats scattered as O’Toole went down the street. A man could live on them at a pinch, thought O’Toole. A new Genghis Khan, preying off the small cattle that roam the streets.

  But by God she’s beautiful, according to my own neurotic standards. A very personal thing. The way a Yale key feels about a Yale lock, worn smooth by a thousand late home-comings.

  O’Toole ran a piece of dialogue through his head:

  ‘Darling, put your arm around me.’

  ‘Like that?’

  ‘That’s wonderful.’

  ‘We seem joined, don’t we?’

  ‘I can’t detect where you end and I start. A new local anaesthetic. Cheaper than novocaine. Leads to addiction, though.’

  ‘Don’t you ever stop thinking, lamb?’

  ‘I’ve got a million of them. A million million million. Darling, I’m afraid...’

  ‘I know, your arm is going to sleep.’

  ‘Mind if I take it away?’

  ‘Nnnnnnnn.’

  ‘There, darling. Good night.’

  ‘Goodnight.’

  O’Toole screwed up his eyes. The mist had a stinging, acid quality.

  I can’t sell that, he thought. And I can’t write anything else. I’d better get a job.

  II

  O’TOOLE sat at a round, rickety table in his one-room basement flat. His typewriter was in front of him and, on either side, in two piles, every national newspaper, daily and Sunday, published in Britain, and the London telephone book.

  O’Toole was looking at the newspapers, trying to read the minds of the men who produced them. There appeared to be a lot of interbreeding: the small, square ones had an incestuous family resemblance, weekdays and Sundays, too. The big broad ones looked like a couple of closely related parents with a brood of sub-normal children, a pair of identical twins on Sundays and a blunt, shy country cousin with no culture, no jokes, no fat black headlines and a strange obsession with the sins of the clergy:

  THE CURATE AND THE CONTRALTO

  VICAR’S BAFFLING DISAPPEARANCE

  CHOIRBOY SAID: ‘PERHAPS’

  O’Toole decided that the same brisk, clear-cut, concise letter would do for them all.

  The Editor,

  The Sunday Sun,

  Fleet Street, EC4

  Dear Sir,

  I wonder if there is an opening on your staff for a young Australian journalist looking for a break in Fleet Street, after a few days in the old country?

  I know you’re a busy man so I’ll keep the details brief.

  NAME: James O’Toole.

  AGE: 27.

  EXPERIENCE: Right through the mill with the Sydney Star, from the Prime Minister’s conference to the hen that laid the four-inch egg.

  In particular, reporter, sub-editor, feature-writer, art critic, gardening expert, etc, etc.

  ACCOMPLISHMENTS: Fair shorthand note, halting French and German, ability to recognise news.

  EDUCATION: Two years Melbourne University (Eng. Lit.).

  AMBITION: The top, but ready to start as modestly as need be.

  I am available for interview, with cuttings, any time to suit you, and my salary requirements are modest.

  Yours sincerely,

  J O’Toole.

  O’Toole signed a legible signature, blocking the capitals in the manner of newspapermen, and typed up some envelopes. He thought that he, personally, would certainly interview anyone who sent him such a letter. It might not exhibit a typically English reserve: on the other hand, neither did the papers he had just read. He looked up their addresses in the telephone books.

  O’Toole’s flat had at one time been painted yellow, now fast going brown. The ceiling was criss-crossed by heavy pipes, doing something which involved periodic gurgling for the flat above. In fact, for the eight storeys of flats above.

  He slipped his letters into his pocket and picked his way through milk bottles to the foot of the stairwell. The night porter scowled at him from his glass box as he left the building.

  He turned into Russell Square. A cold wind rustled sad scraps of paper in a dusty corner. A grey-haired woman, face eroded by the spring rains of many years, reeled out of a pub as he passed. Staggering, thought O’Toole. Not a bad first line for a pop song:

  When she walks, she’s staggering.

  He posted his letters, contrasting the twenty scarlet coats of paint on the English post-box with the single rusty coat at home, and hurried back to his flat. There is no rhyme for ‘staggering’, so there was another fortune gone west.

  O’Toole looked down the grimy area way into his own windows. I’m sneaking up on the West End by the underground route, he thought. Hopping from cellar to cellar. Look well on the back of a Penguin.

  The porter scowled up from his newspaper to see if O’Toole had brought a woman home, saw he hadn’t and looked away.

  Descending the unlit stairs, O’Toole kicked the milk bottles. Through the door that faced his came a shriek: ‘For God’s sake let me go to sleep. Please. Please.’

  O’Toole let himself in, undressed and climbed into the bed, which gripped him in a greasy calico clutch. After a few minutes he climbed out and opened the windows. Almost at once a heavy lorry rumbled by on its way to Covent Garden, rattling a set of dingy horse-brasses on the mantelpiece. He found an empty cupboard and pushed them into it. Then he put a pair of brass candlesticks beside them, two bleary water-colours off the wall and a floral-patterned dish mended with Seccotine.

  Having stripped the room back to a bare cement box, O’Toole got into bed again. For a while he fought the lorries rumbling past over his head, the ceiling, unseen in the dark, pressing on his forehead, and the thought that she was staggering whatever she was doing.

  Then he was suddenly back on Port Phillip Bay that glittering Christmas Day, and she was there, and everything was all right.

  III

  REPLIES trickled back to O’Toole over three days. All had expensively embossed mastheads of newspapers on top of the notepaper. Some began ‘Dear Mr. O’Toole’, some ‘Dear Sir’, some ‘Dear O’Toole’ and one ‘Dear James, I liked the frank approach of your...’ All advised O’Toole not to give up hope, but to keep in touch, because he never knew when an opening might occur. Except this one:

  THE ‘SUNDAY SUN’

  The Paper You Can Rely On.

  Dear Mr. O’Toole:

  The Editor has received your letter and would like to see you. Could you telephone me and fix an appointment?

  Yours sincerely
/>
  (indecipherable)

  Secretary to the Editor.

  O’Toole found it among the morning’s mail under his door. He looked at his watch in the orange gloom. Noon, near enough. He fumbled into clammy shirt and trousers, twisted sockless feet into shoes and blinked up the stairs to the phone-booth by the porter’s box.

  A man answered at the newspaper’s switchboard.

  ‘The editor’s secretary, please.’

  A woman came on, against a background acoustically papered with typewriters and assorted office noises.

  ‘Mr. Barr’s office.’

  ‘This is O’Toole speaking. I have a letter from you suggesting I telephone for an appointment.’

  ‘Oh yes, Mr. O’Toole,’ said the woman. ‘Mr. Barr is free about four this afternoon, if that is convenient to you.’

  ‘Fine,’ said O’Toole. ‘Mr. Barr is...’

  ‘The editor. Oh, and could I give you a word of advice, Mr. O’Toole?’

  ‘Of course.’

  ‘Don’t expect too much. At four, then. Thank you.’

  O’Toole put the receiver down as if it was made of china, and lit a cigarette. Fleet Street. He tried a manly handshake as he left the telephone booth. Mr. Barr, I want you to know that...

  When he regained his room he pulled back the curtains and noticed the light-coloured rings on the mantelpiece where the ornaments had been.

  O’Toole walked briskly down Fleet Street at three forty-five, studying the bad architecture. The trouble, he decided, started when the shopkeepers in the printers’ quarter got above themselves. Every building was an architectural gem, the Taj Mahal next to the Magnitogorsk ball-bearing works with the Munich Bauhaus fighting for breath in between. Megalomaniacs clamouring for attention, every building the latest architectural word when it was put up, and dated and pretentious twelve months later. Glass walls, Gothic fronts, Roman arches, art nouveau, Mussolini modern and business baroque. What happens when you try to translate news value into something that isn’t thrown away tomorrow.

  The display of Union Jacks, dense and assertive, reminded O’Toole of Greek Independence Day in Sydney.